my dog’s christmas lists

All year, every year, I threaten my dogs with calling Santa Paws. I warn them that they have met their naughty quota and if they do one more naughty thing then they’re fucked and not getting anything. Every year we make it to Christmas Eve with them just barely getting delivered what was on their Christmas lists. Last year all they wanted was to raise money for puppies in need, and they did a good job doing so! The year before they wanted a club house, so I got them a two story dog house strung with lights and filled with toys. They never went in it because it was a “dog house” and of course they are not dogs. This year I asked them each what they wanted for Christmas and they handed me the following lists.

Rosalie’s Christmas List

  1.  The couch to myself all day
  2. A box of Cheerios
  3.  Peace and quiet

This was typical of my girl Rosalie. She is my 6lb rescue that I adopted almost three years ago. She’s a mystery breed, but I’m pretty sure she is part Shih Tzu, part Chihuahua, part Luck Dragon, part nana. I got her because I fell in love with her the moment I saw her and because I thought Daisy would like a sister. Daisy claims her as her own pet dog rather than a sister, but demands I take care of her. Rosalie and I are fine with this arrangement and enjoy peace and quiet on the couch together often. Feeling relieved with such easy requests, I then read Daisy’s list.

Daisy’s Christmas List

  1. My four front teeth
  2.  I’ll settle for two
I started to sweat. My poor girl had her first dental cleaning in June and had to have her front teeth removed (still kill myself over this) and sometimes I hear her singing the “all I want for Christmas is my two front teeth” song. Ughh I feel terrible. Should I get her one of those teeth retainers that the Toddlers in Tiaras wear? No, she wouldn’t approve. Whatever else is on this list I’m going to get her, no question about it.
3. A baby
Fuck. I had a feeling this was coming. My beautiful niece Violet was born this year and it was the first baby Daisy has ever seen. When she met her on our family walk, she didn’t know what to do with herself. I have never seen her more excited than when Violet came over on Halloween. She thought it was so great that you can dress up babies in tiny costumes too and offered to loan Violet one of hers. When she left, Daisy anxiously waited at the door for two hours. This is Daisy meeting Violet…
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After that she started asking if we could pick up a baby next time we got food at the puppy store. “It doesn’t work like that Daisy girl.” She would then look at me with her M&M eyes and ask me why. I told her babies don’t come from the puppy store, that they come from mamas and papas that are in love, and I instantly regretted it as I said it. “Well I’ll ask papa to get me one then!” I looked a her, with “oops” written all over my face and reminded her that she has a puppy she doesn’t even take care of, how would she take care of a baby? “I can do it Mom! And I can ask Santa!” Knowing very well I wasn’t about to have a baby, I told her that babies are a lot of work and take a long time to get delivered, and surely wouldn’t be here in time for Christmas. Disappointed, not with my answer but more with herself, she sadly asked, “Was I not good this year, mom?” I couldn’t take it anymore. “You were good Daisy.”
I hoped she would forget about it and eventually ask for something else. I considered getting her a baby doll. I bought her a toy of a baby Yorkie, but when I got it in the mail it ended up being bigger than her. I started talking loudly about how much Violet must poop and cry being a little baby. She hasn’t said much in reply but I know it’s still on her mind. Violet came over for Thanksgiving and Daisy was so impressed with all the baby gear that comes along with a baby. I know she’s already getting ideas about using the baby swing and high chair for herself. I haven’t figured this out yet, but I still have few weeks. To be continued…

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More about Erika Lauren

Erika Lauren is a Boston born twenty something French girl spending her days as an esthetician, makeup artist, and dog mom, and her nights as a writer. She's a content creator for The Haute Mess, XOJane, and Narrative.ly. Reader discretion advised: She suffers from lalochezia. Email: ErikaLauren9@yahoo.com

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