my dog’s christmas lists: part 2

My yorkie Daisy, has a pretty hefty request for her Christmas gifts this year, including her four front teeth and a human baby. What she doesn’t quite grasp is that you have to be on the “Nice Nice List”, when she is in fact, a little asshole.

I have to put the wrapped gifts under the tree as soon as the tree is up to hide the fact that there is no tree skirt. I can’t have a tree skirt because Daisy will pee on it. I can’t really keep gifts under the tree either because Daisy will open them.

I try blocking them off in their hallway when I’m gone but Rosalie uses her luck dragon powers to open a lever handle door as well as a pocket door to get back into the living room, something I have yet to catch on video. At that point I assume this is what goes down…

Daisy: “yessssssss I knew you were good for something Rosalie! We’re free we’re free what should we do now, ohhhhh presies…”

Rosalie: “Don’t open those presies Daisy. Mom says no more fluffin around. We’ve met our quota for being naughty and if we are bad anymore then Santa Paws won’t come.”

Daisy: “Aww man. Wait. Wait just a minute! These labels say from Santa! Santa already came we’re in the clear!! We can be naughty again!!”

Rosalie: “Well in that case open away. Let me know when you find our treats.”

Daisy: “Ahhhh so shiny! I’m going to open them all to make sure Santa wrapped them right! Wouldn’t want Papa getting any of our gifts!”

Rosalie: “Daisy don’t open that one, it’s for the human baby.”

Daisy “Baby… Baby baby baby! I’m going to make sure it’s baby proof and just chew on the box for a little while.”

I come home to my dogs, who were suppose to be in their hallway, sitting on the couch with wrapping paper all around. I look at Rosalie and she gives me this look like ‘yeah I opened the door what are you gonna do about it?’ Daisy is wagging her tail and shaking “I opened all the presies mom, Santa came. I chewed on the baby’s presie too.”

I place our six foot giraffe statue by the tree to guard their gifts the next day. I think surely this will work, Daisy understands authority. She knows the rank is Papa, Giraffe, Daisy, Mama, Rosalie. She knows she will get strapped to the giraffe’s back in her doggy bjorn to “go for a ride” if she crosses him.

Feeling confident, I leave the house with giraffe in place, and puppy cam hidden from view. About an hour later, I check in on my phone to watch the puppy cam. Just like Groundhog Day, Daisy thinks Santa came again after reading the labels. I hear her little voice saying “fuck tha police” as she runs past the giraffe and wrapping paper starts flying around the room.

I came home and presented my findings to Daisy. I tell her that it is not Christmas and Santa has not come, you are 100% on the naughty list now. “But can I still have my presies Mama?”
Yes. Yes, you can. But you’re not getting a baby. Problem solved.

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More about Erika Lauren

Erika Lauren is a Boston born twenty something French girl spending her days as an esthetician, makeup artist, and dog mom, and her nights as a writer. She's a content creator for The Haute Mess, XOJane, and Narrative.ly. Reader discretion advised: She suffers from lalochezia. Email: ErikaLauren9@yahoo.com

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